A few years ago, God, in a powerful moment told me…
“Your writing will save lives.”
I didn’t realise that applied to me too.
My writing might just save my life too.
What even is that.
I’m currently in therapy twice a week working through the aftermath of intense childhood trauma. I’m actually doing really well. Today has been a really good day.
My therapist told me that it’s important to write these things down. Writing helps the brain process the things that’ve been discussed…. Writing helps the healing process… She suggested (and she’s not the first one to do so) that I write.
I decided to write.
I’m blogging for the first time in what seems like forever, I’m not even sure exactly what my login is… (If you’re reading this I worked it out!). Keeping in mind that I believe God did tell me/ show me my writing will help others in a positive way and my really firm belief that hurting people need examples of real life people working through real life things… Shiny, falseness doesn’t help anyone.
I don’t believe anyone is too hurt to help others. Everyone can help others in one way or another. Hopefully by sharing my experiences in my therapy session today (briefly) it’ll help encourage someone.
I felt sad… It was good
I spoke about how I cried for the first time in a while this week, I spoke about how I miss the children I used to nanny (I recently got signed off work). This lead to me talking about a time the first person I really ever trusted enough to help me “gave me to someone else” I felt rejected, how I felt let down… How I thought it was a stupid decision. How it still hurt now 3+ years later…
I’ve always felt daft for feeling that way but FINALLY speaking it out loud to someone made me realise…
– Feeling rejected when a sudden change is thrust upon me is natural and normal
– The situation was NOT handled correctly by the professionals involved, transitions should be discussed and worked through carefully and sensitively… Not just an abrupt “So and so will be in session today because she’ll be taking care of you from now on.”
– It’s okay to feel injured and let down by this mistake.
– Feeling these things does not mean I do not value these people or the organisation they work for. I do. I really do. This is one (of three) incidents that I believe injured me out of 6 months of wonderful and life changing input. We’re all human, humans make mistakes… I really believe everyone (except possibly one person) who worked there had 100 percent the best intentions when making decisions.
Talking about all this helped me feel better. It actually helped me process not only that event (that I’ve been bottling up for years) but also the importance of seeing the tiny people I used to nanny again.
I’ve been avoiding seeing them because I thought it’d be too sad, it’d hurt too much… But transition is important and being sad is okay. It’s okay to be sad when things come to an end…
Have you ever read a book series and become so involved in it that you felt a sense of emptiness when you’d finished? Harry Potter hit me with that feeling HARD. Since then I’ve read many other books and enjoyed them, some were harder to move on from others. This is the same as transition. Some things have to end in order to have new experiences.
I still get to interact with both the ladies I spoke about further up. They’ll always be really important to me. They’ll always be a huge part of my story. Equally I’m still going to have a relationship with my not bosses and their two fabulous tiny people. It won’t be the same relationship as before but it’ll be a relationship and they will always have a place in my life. I love that family. I really love them.
I’m aiming to be back in work from September, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing, hopefully it’ll be nannying again. I’ll also be starting a degree and I’m really hoping to volunteer at the youth group for young people with Autism again. I’m hoping to succeed in learning to drive and I’m hoping to be able to maintain a clean and tidy home…. (Hahahaha!) Things are changing. Things won’t look the same and that’s sad. The Bible says there’s a time to grieve. Grieving is good.
I think I’ve actually, healthily grieved these things now and it’s time to move on. I feel like a weight has lifted. It’s time to start a new book!