Category Archives: Faith

Transistion

A few years ago, God, in a powerful moment told me…

“Your writing will save lives.”

I didn’t realise that applied to me too.

My writing might just save my life too.

What even is that.

I’m currently in therapy twice a week working through the aftermath of intense childhood trauma. I’m actually doing really well. Today has been a really good day.

My therapist told me that it’s important to write these things down. Writing helps the brain process the things that’ve been discussed…. Writing helps the healing process… She suggested (and she’s not the first one to do so) that I write.

I decided to write.

I’m blogging for the first time in what seems like forever, I’m not even sure exactly what my login is… (If you’re reading this I worked it out!). Keeping in mind that I believe God did tell me/ show me my writing will help others in a positive way and my really firm belief that hurting people need examples of real life people working through real life things… Shiny, falseness doesn’t help anyone.

I don’t believe anyone is too hurt to help others. Everyone can help others in one way or another. Hopefully by sharing my experiences in my therapy session today (briefly) it’ll help encourage someone.

I felt sad… It was good

I spoke about how I cried for the first time in a while this week, I spoke about how I miss the children I used to nanny (I recently got signed off work). This lead to me talking about a time the first person I really ever trusted enough to help me “gave me to someone else” I felt rejected, how I felt let down… How I thought it was a stupid decision. How it still hurt now 3+ years later…

I’ve always felt daft for feeling that way but FINALLY speaking it out loud to someone made me realise…

– Feeling rejected when a sudden change is thrust upon me is natural and normal

– The situation was NOT handled correctly by the professionals involved, transitions should be discussed and worked through carefully and sensitively… Not just an abrupt “So and so will be in session today because she’ll be taking care of you from now on.”

– It’s okay to feel injured and let down by this mistake.

– Feeling these things does not mean I do not value these people or the organisation they work for. I do. I really do. This is one (of three) incidents that I believe injured me out of 6 months of wonderful and life changing input. We’re all human, humans make mistakes… I really believe everyone (except possibly one person) who worked there had 100 percent the best intentions when making decisions.

Talking about all this helped me feel better. It actually helped me process not only that event (that I’ve been bottling up for years) but also the importance of seeing the tiny people I used to nanny again.
I’ve been avoiding seeing them because I thought it’d be too sad, it’d hurt too much… But transition is important and being sad is okay. It’s okay to be sad when things come to an end…

Have you ever read a book series and become so involved in it that you felt a sense of emptiness when you’d finished? Harry Potter hit me with that feeling HARD. Since then I’ve read many other books and enjoyed them, some were harder to move on from others. This is the same as transition. Some things have to end in order to have new experiences.

I still get to interact with both the ladies I spoke about further up. They’ll always be really important to me. They’ll always be a huge part of my story. Equally I’m still going to have a relationship with my not bosses and their two fabulous tiny people. It won’t be the same relationship as before but it’ll be a relationship and they will always have a place in my life. I love that family. I really love them.

I’m aiming to be back in work from September, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing, hopefully it’ll be nannying again. I’ll also be starting a degree and I’m really hoping to volunteer at the youth group for young people with Autism again. I’m hoping to succeed in learning to drive and I’m hoping to be able to maintain a clean and tidy home…. (Hahahaha!) Things are changing. Things won’t look the same and that’s sad. The Bible says there’s a time to grieve. Grieving is good.
I think I’ve actually, healthily grieved these things now and it’s time to move on. I feel like a weight has lifted. It’s time to start a new book!

DucksangryGoing to miss

Welcome

Juggling Cats

Juggling Cats

Imagine you’re sat in a room, on your own, and you’ve got 10 minutes to write 2000 words. If you fail or don’t do it to a high enough standard something REALLY bad will happen. You don’t know what it is but you KNOW it’s bad.
This is anxiety.
Crap, right? It gets worse.

On top of your impossible, potentially life or death challenge the room is full of cats. YOU ALONE are responsible for the safety and wellbeing of these cats. If something bad happens to just one of the cats that bad thing will happen to you too…..

It get’s worse still.
One of the cats eats and eats until it’s sick.
One of the cats won’t eat anything.
One of the cats is suicidal, one keeps intentionally injuring itself and another keeps injuring the others.
One is REALLY REALLY excited, one wants to exercise all day, another wants to do nothing, one is really sad and one is irrationally angry and near impossible to calm down.
If the greedy cat is sick. So are you. If the starving cat starves. So do you. You HAVE to protect these cats because if you fail YOU will face the consequences.
This is having parts.

There’s more.
On top of all this, on adjacent walls are two buttons. One green. One red. When the green one flashes you HAVE to stop everything, and press it. When the red one flashes you have to do the same… If you fail to press the green light you lose your income and consequently your place to live, ability to eat etc. If you fail to press the red one you fail to achieve your dreams, the reason you keep pressing forward. The reason you continue with this nonsense.
This is trying to keep on top of work and school.

Looking through the window of the room is everyone you care about most in the world. If don’t finish your work or if you let something happen to any of the cats you’ll hurt them too and they don’t understand why you’re hurting them. They take it personally and get upset.
You don’t mean to.
It just happens that way.
You try to hide the cats but they don’t like being hidden away… They always break free.
This is guilt.

THIS is what it’s like to have DID.

THIS is how every day feels (despite how I appear).

I keep going. In the hope. One day. I’ll be able to help someone going through the same thing have an easier time

My House

 

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Father God has always used buildings, houses and land as a representation of my mind. At one point it was a tower with no door (think Rapunzel) that eventually got crushed beneath the feet of Jesus and transformed into a castle (beautiful but defensive) and one day, unexpectedly this castle was transformed into a palace (because I no longer required the thick defensive walls) … I figured that’s where it ended. I was wrong.

I’ve been feeling like a total failure recently… It’s coming up to three years since I entered the Mercy program and I don’t have a shiny “My life is AMAZING and I’m totally well” testimony like everyone else seems to. Honestly things are a bit crap. I’m in therapy, self-harming, my eating habits are dreadful and I’m dissociating frequently. Whilst I know I’m a million times better in a ton of ways than I was this time three years ago I feel like from the outside it probably doesn’t look like it. I’ve been feeling like I’m totally letting down the organisation that helped me so much and more importantly I’m letting Jesus down…. I should know better. I should be better. I should have a shiny story like the girls in the books and on the blog posts but I don’t and it must be my fault.

In psychology, we’ve just learnt about a man called Carl Rogers. Rogers suggested we have a “self” (who we are) and an “ideal self” (who we want to be). If these two selves are two far apart from each other it causes dysfunction. This has been my problem and this is what I’ve chosen to change. Ideally I’d be in a position freedom from anxiety, self-harm and be totally healthy…. Ideally that would have happened by now…. But it hasn’t…. BUT maybe that’s okay… Maybe I just need to change my ideally? Looking at other people and aspiring to be like them, obtain their approval and achieve perfecting will drive any person insane. I’m choosing not to do it anymore.

I’ve been listening to the Matilda soundtrack recently and there’s a song in it called “My House” and a section kept jumping out at me but I couldn’t explain why…

“Through this window, I can watch the seasons change.
By this lamp, I can read, and I – I am set free.
And when it’s cold outside, I feel no fear.
Even in the winter storms, I am warmed
By a small but stubborn fire,
And there is nowhere I would rather be.”

Today on the bus home from college I realised why. I’ve moved house. I no longer have a giant glamorous palace, neither do I need one. Right now I have a small, maintainable, comfortable, peaceful, slightly fragile cottage. Other girls might have huge mansions, palaces or whatever. I don’t. I won’t be distracted by looking left or right any more. I am in a storm and maybe sometimes a window might get damaged but that doesn’t make my testimony any less powerful…  Even permanent looking damage is repairable. It doesn’t make me worth less than anyone else. I’m kept going by my “small stubborn fire” …. My drive to survive, my drive for more, my drive to be well enough to be in a position to help other people. My life might not look or sound incredible or impressive to others but that’s okay.  I think it’s pretty incredible.

the-path-to-miss-honeys-cottage-matilda

“It isn’t much but it is enough for me”

(Nearly) Three years on from entering the Mercy house I can stand proudly and say these things. I’m Victoria Louise. I’m a child of God. I’m a wife, a nanny, a student. I love craft, children and animals. I have mental health issues rooted in trauma. Life is painful and I feel hurt. I will overcome the struggles eventually because Father God knew my name before I was even conceived. He calls me “Victorious Warrior” I can be real. I can be honest…. I couldn’t have done that back then.

New Direction!

Hi and welcome to the new and improved Bus Thoughts! I know…. It looks exactly the same as before just with all the posts removed.

I’ve removed my previous posts as I feel my like the original direction of this blog has now changed rewriting. You’ll see them pop up every now and again so make sure you pay attention.

My original intention for this blog was for it to be a place for me to preach/ teach based on my life experiences and to a degree it’ll still be a place for that but it’ll also be a place for me to write about other things happening in my life! I adore writing, I really do but writing encouraging, uplifting, God inspired advice isn’t always something I can easily do, especially when I’m feeling a little broken. I want to be real. I want to be encouraging. I want to be entertaining, I want to be consistent and I want to write for fun again.

My plan is to have some creative writing posts, poetry, posts about craft projects I’m working on, work and school… Just general fun life stuff. I’m still Christian, I still adore Jesus and that’ll still be very evident in my posts, there just wont always be a fluffy little life lesson at the end of everything. dramatically and also, after studying English for the last year I feel my writing style has developed and changed so much that the pieces of writing I want to keep published require editing and It’s a fun, exciting adventure and I really hope you’re all excited as I am.

I thought, for my very first post it’d be good to explain a little bit about me, what I do and what my ambitions are…

My name is Vicky (Victoria), I’m 28, I’m married to Dave (David) and have been for nearly seven years! We don’t have children yet but we do have Yuffie (our pet cat) and a couple of tanks of fish. I’m trained in childcare, currently nannying the most adorable children and I’m excited to share some hilarious stories about them with you. Last (academic) year I studied to retake my GCSE exams in Maths and English. After passing them both with B’s this year I’ll be studying an access to higher education course in Psychology, Social Studies and Statistics. Next year I hope to do a degree in childhood studies with my ultimate goal being to become a play therapist. I’m actually going to do a separate post about that shortly. I struggle with some mental health issues but I’m determined not to lose any more of my life to it. I am in therapy and I (finally) no longer feel shameful about that. I have two best friends Lucy (who lives round the corner) and Becca (who’s in the process of moving to Africa…) I love pandas, Frozen, arts, craft, music, books, TV and I spend far to much time on social media! I’m trying to get fit and healthy so I’ll probably mention that at some point and I spend far to much money of coffee and nail polish.

I’ll leave you with some pictures from our camping holiday in Swanage this summer….

See you soon!

X

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